Mom

Your smile was contagious,
your laughter was a song.
My heart feels empty now that you're gone.

You lived a life of adventure,
always making the most of every moment.
You worked hard,
yet you played hard too.
Every corner I turn,
I'll be reminded of you.

You always stood for what you believed in,
you weren't afraid to start a fight.
When the going got tough,
you gave it all your might.

You always lent a shoulder to cry on,
and an ear to listen.
You watched me go through a deep depression,
yet you gave me intervention.

You were my number one supporter,
you were always sitting in the stands.
You loved the work I wrote,
in which many couldn't understand. 

I know it's a cliche,
but when God took you He took the very best.
It gives me great relief,
that you've finally been given your rest.

After watching you fight the cancer,
seeing how it made you feel so small.
You fought until the very end,
You never gave up at all.

The strength you showed when going through your worst is inspiring,
you held your head high and
pushed through.
Even though it was literally killing you.

I love you and I miss you,
this isn't fair at all.
I wish we could go back to the days
of shopping together at the mall.

Until I see you again mom,
from this pain there is no moving on.

By Ashley Thompson 

If I die before you

If I die before you,
just know I don't want you to be sad,
I'd want you to look back at all the memories we shared and hope they'd make you glad.
Just know I wouldn't want you to shed a tear,
instead, I'd want you to remember all the love we had.

I wouldn't want you to be lonely,
I'd want you to remember that even though I'm gone,
that I'm still everywhere.
As long as you carry me in your heart,
you won't be alone, I'll be there.

I wouldn't want you to be angry that the Lord called me home too soon.
I'd want you to rejoice that I'm in a better place with no gloom.
Just think about our savior
and the empty tomb.

There will be times that you look into a crowd,
and you swear you see my face.
Let that be a reminder of God's loving grace.
I'll visit you in your dreams,
and watch over you as you sleep.
I'll keep you safe from danger,
I'll be your angel until we meet again.
But please my love,
do not use my absence as an excuse to sin.

I'd want you to be strong,
and carry on your daily life.
Mourn as long as you need,
but it won't end your strife.

I want you to remember that grief has no timeline,
so when my birthday rolls around,
it's still okay for you to cry.
It's okay for you to miss me,
It's okay to be upset.
But don't you dare forget that my love for you is limitless.

So if I die before you,
and you feel that you can't carry on.
Just know that I'm still with you in spirit,
though my earthly body is now gone.<!--/data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/clipdata/clipdata_bodytext_230425_094505_134.sdocx-->

By Ashley Thompson

What He's done

I've been abused,
I've been mistreated.
I've been torn down, broken and defeated.
My confidence has been destroyed,
left me to question if I'm good enough.

Diamond in the rough,
hidden beneath the dirt.
Brushed off all the dust
and repaired the broken pieces.
That's what He's done for me
and His name is Jesus.

I'm not who I once was,
though bits of her remain.
I've been made new,
I've been restored.
I stand against the grain.

I'm not of this world,
this is not my home.
It's simply a place in which we all roam.
The pathway is narrow,
It's winding and rocky.
But this journey determines where we'll spend forever.

This body is temporary,
But the soul is eternal.
Heaven is a sanctuary,
admittance is universal.
By Ashley Thompson

Stuck in the Matrix

Am I stuck in the matrix?
Go to work everyday just to collect another paycheck.
Making ends meet just to do it all over  tomorrow.
My life is a loop,
ever repeating again and again.

Deja vu occurs frequently.
Is it a coincidence or
a glitch?
Are we living life in the matrix?
Are we dependent on the machines?
Is it really free will,
or just an illusion?

Lost in a land of confusion.
Don't know who to trust.
One day we're here,
the next we return to the dust.
Are we apart of the machine on which we rely?

Is this body really mine,
or am I laying somewhere in a pod left to die?
If I choose to disconnect will I even survive?
Can I ever go back and just live my life?

So many questions,
Ifs, when's, how's and why's.
If we're dependent on the machines then we're not actually alive.
It's time to break out of this loop,
disconnect and become clean.

If I had to choose,
I'd choose to know the truth,
open my eyes and see beyond the disguises.
I'd choose to see the world for what it really is,
I'd choose to escape the fantasy and be forever free.
Escape this matrix and just be. 

By Ashley Thompson 

Judge me

Judge me if you will,
but you haven't felt my pain.
You haven't wiped my tears away,
or held me tight and told me that it's alright that I'm not okay.
You haven't earned the right to criticize me,
you haven't taken a single step in my shoes.
It's funny to me how you are rooting for me to lose.
As if that will help you win,
as if that'll make you feel so much better.
I think it's pathetic that you feel the need to kick a man when he's down.
Like I'm flailing around in the water
but you're just watching me drown.
It's time to climb down from your pedestal,
dismount from that high horse.
You're no better than me,
we're both gonna end up in the same dirt.

By Ashley Thompson

Already defeated

I'm in a mood,
my thoughts have consumed me.
Locked in my room,
trying to keep the demons from getting to me.

I haven't been okay,
I haven't been alright.
Over worked and underpaid,
simply trying to make it through this life.

Too much to do,
not enough time.
I've got nothing left to prove,
I'm just trying to survive.

It's been a long time since I've felt the sunshine on my skin,
I've been trapped inside this darkness
awaiting to be saved.
I got bored and dug a hole,
now it feels more like my grave.

I've been living a life of sin,
trying to satiate the one within.
But my demons like to keep me down,
they want me so lost that I'll never be found.

I could drown in my tears,
the sadness is haunting.
I'm trapped inside my mind,
the thoughts are daunting.

How do I go on?
I feel like I'll never win.
I'm already defeated,
but the game has just began.

By Ashley Thompson

My hero

If you wanna know who my hero is,
you'll have to guess.
She's the only person who knows everything I've been through.
She's been there for me all my life,
she comforts me when I'm having a bad day.
My hero is great,
she's strong & beautiful.
She's raised 3 kids on her own.
She's not famous,
but in my eyes she's fabulous.
I can't live without her.
Can you guess who my hero is?
My hero is my mom,
and she's the greatest hero on Earth.
She may not have powers,
but she knows when something is wrong,
and she knows how to comfort me.
Which is all I need in a hero.

By Ashley Thompson 

** I wrote this poem when I was a teenager and gave it to her in a letter. I'm so glad she got to read it before she passed. She kept the note all these years too.

Anxiety

In case you didn't know what anxiety is like,
I overthink my whole day before I go to bed at night.
Every action I take,
Every word that I spoke.
It feels like a mistake that I ever even woke.

Nothing I do feels right,
It all feels wrong.
I don't know why I bother,
I'll never actually belong.

It's like being the black sheep,
in a pearly white flock.
No matter how bad you try to blend in,
you'll always stand out.
You feel like a laughing stock,
you feel out of place.

You're just awaiting the moment,
that you'll be replaced.
Once they realize that the things you think in your head are true,
you think that they'll want to get rid of you.

These are just the silly things
that anxiety will do.
It makes you feel like an exile,
makes you feel like an outcast.
Even in the midst of laughing,
You're feeling downcast.

No matter how you're feeling,
you must never give in.
Anxiety is a daily battle,
but one day you'll win.
So when you wake up,
and you feel all alone.
Remember you're not the only one,
who feels unknown.

By Ashley Thompson

Dear mom

Dear mom,
I miss you the most,
when I'm feeling lonely.
When I'm anxious or upset,
filled with deep regret,
I think about you;
about how you'd make it through.
You always seemed to find a way,
when all the odds were stacked against you.
You'd get back up,
everytime you fell.
It always made you stronger,
even if it drug you through hell.
But now that you're gone,
the world seems dark.
My heart has a missing piece,
I've lost my spark.
My soul feels like it'll never mend,
it just keeps getting harder,
to pretend.
Until we meet again dear mother,
Signed your loving daughter.

By Ashley Thompson

Cancer

Cancer is just a word,
until if affects someone you love.
I bend my knees,
I bow my head,
I'm praying to the Lord above.

The chemo helps,
but it also hurts.
Seeing you go through this,
is the worst.

I pray this burden for you would go away,
that you could go just one day without any pain.
That you'd regain your desire to eat,
that you'd gain the strength to get up on your feet.

Your own body is attacking you,
it's making you weak.
You were supposed to get better,
now the prognosis is bleak.

Watching you become someone that you're not,
the memories we shared are now all I've got.
You've fought this so hard,
we thought you had won.
But the fight is now over,
and it feels like it's only just begun.

You never gave up,
you never backed down.
But the cancer consumed you,
and it's time for you to go to your true home now.

By Ashley Thompson

In loving memory of my mother, who left us way too soon.

Do not comply

Do not comply,
they think they can control us,
I dare them to try.
No shots for me or my family.
My body, my choice,
only this time it's actually my body,
so it actually is my choice.

It's time we all stand up,
raise our voice.
We do not comply with tyranny,
we don't negotiate with terrorists.
We need to do something about this,
before America no longer exists.

Do not comply,
do not give in.
They can take my job,
they can take my belongings,
but they can't take my soul.
In the end we all know who wins,
I'll give you a clue,
it's God not them.

This is what our for fathers fought for back in 1776.
Once America is broken,
it cannot be fixed.
This vaccine doesn't even work,
it's all apart of their scheme.
Wake up America,
this isn't a dream.

By Ashley Thompson

Am I okay?

Am I alright?
Am I okay?
I'm not really sure what you expect me to say.

Where do I start?
My heart feels like it's been ripped apart.
I'm falling to pieces,
the whole world feels dark.

But I smile and say that I'll be okay.
It's not like half these people genuinely care anyway.
I don't want your sympathy,
or half hearted remarks.

Nothing will bring her back,
nothing could have made her stay.
She was sick,
she wasn't healing.
We all knew it'd happen someday.

So am I alright?
Am I okay?
Not even slightly,
but I'll survive anyway.

By Ashley Thompson

Eternal love

Forever and always,
death can't even do us part.
We're soulmates,
destined to be together.
Rain or shine,
Don't matter the weather;
I've got your back
and you've got mine.

You're my Joker,
I'm your Harley Quinn.
Can't get between us,
you'll never win.
More than ride or die,
I'll go to war for you.

Our love is something out of this world;
it's immortal.
It reveals a whole 'nother dimension,
like a portal.

You were always the light at the end of the tunnel.
Before I met you,
my whole life was a mess,
I was spinning too quickly; down I stumbled.

Your love resurrected me,
made me feel brand new.
You gave me your heart,
I promise not to tear it apart.
You helped me piece myself back together,
that's the type of love that'll never surrender.

By Ashley Thompson

America 2020/2021

When you stand out,
you're more inclined to see through the bull sh*t.
That makes you a threat,
they wanna make you regret
being your own person.

They can't stand to see someone in their own lane;
doing their own thing.
Everyone else is blindly following the crowd.

Whether it's subliminal or out in the open,
they want you to be easily controlled.
The blinder the sheep are,
the faster they run to their slaughter.

They're feeding you lies,
Telling you only what they want you to hear,
they like it when you cower in fear.
It's easier to feed you lies
when you're too afraid to leave your home,
and see it on with your own eyes.

This is America 2020 and 2021,
They're trying to make you wear a mask,
and take away guns.

Once our freedoms are gone,
They can't be re-won.
It's time we all take a stand,
or America as we once knew it is gone.

Half corrupted,
Half destructed.
What happened to our nation?
We're divided when we need to be united.
Riots and race wars have been incited.

What happened to greatness?
Everyone is now so shameless.
The leaders claim to be blameless,
they're the reason we're in this mess.

This pandemic is never ending,
take the shot or they'll take your rights.
It's time to end this,
it's time to stand up and fight.

By Ashley Thompson

Lonely to loved

I was looking for love,
in all the wrong places.
The bottle, pills, drugs and sex.
At first it made me feel great,
But then it was on to the next.

Every guy I met,
only wanted one thing.
They treated me like trash,
as if I was a puppet tied to string.

My friends made me feel lonely,
like they didn't enjoy my company.
So I'd always wanna drink,
just so I'd be fun you see.

When I was alone in my room,
the evil thoughts would intrude.
I'd unscrew the razor blade from the sharpener,
what I'd do next was nothing short of crude.

All I wanted was to feel loved,
all I wanted was a true friend.
And when I finally found one,
my "friends" left me in a ditch.

I couldn't even tell them,
about all the abuse.
They never really knew,
a single thing I was going through.

Then I met you,
and I poured out my soul.
We've been through similar things,
so you understood my sorrow.

Thank you for always being there for me,
every depressive episode I had,
every restless night.
I know you wanted to give up on me,
but instead you stayed to help me fight.

That's why you're my bestfriend,
that's how I know you're my soulmate.
You're the only one who made me feel less lonely.
That's why I made you my one and only.

By Ashley Thompson

Save me

The devils got a hold on me again,
got a feeling i'ma be burning in end.
Suicidal thoughts every time I'm lonely,
Mentally unstable,
Trying not to crumble to pieces right here for everyone to see.
All I really need is for someone to care enough to save me.

Dear God,
can you save me from myself?
Rescue me from this hell?
Thought I could numb the pain,
now the fire can't be contained.
But I'm the only one to blame.
I'm drowning in the fire,
consumed by all these flames.

Jesus is the only one who can truly save me in the end,
just gotta get myself together
and try to begin again.

By Ashley Thompson

My own worst enemy

There's a war inside my mind,
I can't escape it.
Like a prisoner to the pain,
It replays again and again.

I get anxious,
Thoughts start racing,
Why am I this way?

Can't think straight,
Too much going through my brain.
When will I ever be good enough?

Why can't I succeed?
Why do I feel so stuck?
I just wanna move forward,
Towards my goals and dreams.

I am my worst enemy,
Ain't nothing you can't say to me that I haven't said to myself.
Ain't nothing you can do to me,
That will hurt more than what I've already done to myself.

My happy place is alone all in solitude,
But that's also the most dangerous thing for me.
Been known to have suicidal tendencies.
Put a razor blade to my skin too many times to remember,
Thought it'd help numb me out. All it really did though was calm my demons down.

All the nights I felt like I'd drown in my own tears,
All the times I was let down and had to face my own fears.
Every obstacle and struggle
was well worth it cuz it made me strong,
Even though it also makes me feel different,
Like no matter where I am,
No matter what I do,
I simply don't belong.

By Ashley Thompson

Suicidal Tendencies

You don't understand the psychological torture,
often times it's hard to endure.
Please don't judge me,
you haven't walked my path;
you know nothing of the affliction.
Did I forget to mention
I had suicidal tendencies?

Got the razor blade ready,
About to slice it through my sleeve.
It's volatile & vile,
the way it defiles my soul.

It stings so sweetly,
gliding along like a knife through hot butter.
The blood begins to drip,
Drip...
Drip...
All down my arm.

The redness of it
instantly stains my skin.
Leaving my sin out in the open,
for everyone to perceive.

The pleasure that the pain brings,
is nothing short of mesmerizing.
Too bad it's a short lived feeling,
can only ride the high,
till the blood dries.

Then I feel dead inside.
Want to bury all my emotions,
run from my thoughts
& hide from my agony.
The cycle is beginning again.

By Ashley Thompson

*** This poem is not at all how I currently feel, it's how I felt at a very vulnerable time in my life when I was going through a severe depression.

Insecurities

Deep down my insecurities are eating me alive.
I try to put on a happy face; push forward with my life.
But my own mind hinders me.

I get confident,
just to get anxious again, wondering if the reason I have no friends is because no one really likes me.
Or maybe it's the opposite
and I just don't like them?

My disturbed mind is constantly racing,
thinking of 20 different things at once,
I don't know how I keep up.

My thoughts aren't always so tame,
they turn me into a prisoner
to my depression and anger.
Make me feel like a danger to myself,
I look in the mirror and see a stranger,
within she dwells.
Holding me hostage in my cell.
These insecurities are what make life feel like hell.

By Ashley Thompson

Light at the end of the tunnel

There's a light at the end of the tunnel,
It's so close I can feel it's warmth.
Radiating with rays of sunshine,
It's golden glow shimmers.
Pulling me closer to it,
Like a bug at night,
attracted to the brightness of a porch light.

All the darkness I've been through,
will soon be paid in full.
All the obstacles along the way,
have led me to this moment.

Every tear I shed,
All the lonely nights when razor blades helped mend my pain.
They are all now in the past.
The girl I was,
so scared and sad;
has finally overcome.

By Ashley Thompson

Zombie

I don't want to be this way.
I don't want to feel helpless as life passes me by,
feeling like I'm drowning with every breath I take.
The more I struggle,
the further down I get pulled.

But for as long as I can remember,
it has been my daily fight.
The thoughts that wander through my brain
would absolutely destroy an ordinary being.
But I've learned to endure the mental abuse that my own mind puts me through.

I feel so weak when I realize that I have zero control over my emotions.
I can try to outrun them, distract myself from it
or I can woman up and face this.
I know in time this vacant,
dreadful feeling shall pass.

From a young age,
I learned to cope with it.
When in reality I should be overcoming it instead.
But there is no magic cure that will make you feel whole again.

No matter how many pills you take,
you will never feel like yourself again.
Because a part of you has died to your depression or anxiety. Unfortunately, it's a part of you that is eternally lost.
Leaving you feeling like a zombie,
only just a shell of your former self.

By Ashley Thompson

Saving Wonderland

Follow the little white rabbit,
Down the rabbit hole.
He'll show you which way to go,
He's left all the instructions.
Don't bother to ask his name,
there isn't time for introductions.

The place he led you to is called wonderland,
and it sure is full of wonder.
Nothing is though as it seems,
when you're this down underground.
Giant flowers, tiny trees,
talking mushrooms,
but what are these?

So many questions,
so little time.
Tick tock tick tock,
the clocks running down.
Gotta get you hidden before the queen finds out.

She's full of jealousy,
She's full of rage,
She knows you're the right Alice,
and you're here to save the day.

Don't you worry,
Don't you fear.
It's the hatter's job to protect you here.
He may be mad,
but he's awfully wise.
He knows all the people and places in which to confide.

The journey will be long,
The nights will seem endless,
Tell me are you ready?
Can you really defend us?

You prepare for battle,
Your armour is shiny and bright,
But do you have what it takes to defeat the queen tonight?

The fight seems hopeless,
Up until the very end.
When you see a glimmer of hope,
And at last, you win.

Wonderland is free of the evil red queens reign.
Time for you to go back home,
And crawl into your bed again.

By Ashley Thompson

To my abuser

Why couldn't you be the person you are now back then.
You always belittled me,
beat me,
made me feel so weak
and so small.

You made me hate myself, you made me CUT myself,
you made me wanna KILL myself.
Hell I even attempted a few times.

I went through HELL because of you.
Threw my life down the drain, always depressed with no MOTIVATION to better myself because of YOU.

Only wanted to smoke weed, get drunk and fucked up at a way too young age because of YOU.
I know I shouldn't give you all this POWER over me still,
but the memories feel so real. I never wanted to be VICTIMIZED but it's too late here I am.

And now to see YOU doing so well,
while all the abuse runs through my mind constantly. It's been over a decade since the last time you abused me but it still feels like it all happened just yesterday.

I wonder if you even REMEMBER all the things you put me through all the fucked up shit you said.
Does it eat you up inside the way it creeps throughout my mind?

I try to brush it off and be happy for YOU because you've got your bipolar under control and I don't wanna make you feel GUILTY.
But then again you never once thought about how I'd feel when you beat my ass for no reason,
chased me out onto the front lawn and did it in front of all the neighbors.

And now everyone wonders why I have TRUST issues, ANGER and DEPRESSION.
I feel like I was the ONLY one in my damn corner fighting for my life
and I'd given up already quite a few times.

Somedays I really HATE you cuz you made me who I am and other days I'd like to THANK you because I know it made me STRONG.
I refuse to be a victim,
Ever again.

By Ashley Thompson

Blank canvas

I just want a break,
every breath I take feels like a mistake.
I just can't get it right today,
I'm messing it all up.
I'm feeling like I'm in a rut.
Stuck, with no where to go.

Looking back I feel all the pain,
from the memories contained.
I don't wanna reverse,
If I go back I'll end up dead in a hearse.

Looking forward,
I feel uncertainty.
The canvas is blank,
but I've run out of paint.

The void fills the silence,
from a spark the flame is lit.
Anything is possible,
the decisions up to me.
Let go of the pain of the past,
I'll finally be free.

By Ashley Thompson

Dead Inside

Dead inside,
My emotions hide.
Used to think it was better to be numb,
than to feel all the pain that resides.

Empty and broken,
I feel all alone.
Silence befalls my ears,
the thoughts are getting dark.
Suicide and razor blades,
gliding down my arms.

My true intentions never were to harm myself,
was just feeding the demon that lives within.
I learned how to coexist.

Slowly eating away at me,
until I'm no longer myself.
Hollow beneath my skin,
it feels empty where my heart should be.
It's beating,
but it's not apart of me.

I'm lost,
can you help me find my way?
Not sure when I went so astray.
I chose the darker path,
instead of His grace.
Still He loves me anyway.
I feel dead inside,
yet I still find the time to pray.

By Ashley Thompson

My world is black & white

My world is black & white,
my once blue sky is now grey.
My eyes were once so bright,
but now they are empty.

I used to be so happy,
always wore a smile.
But now I've lost all hope,
my smile is now a frown.

I didn't think my life
could completely turn around,
until one day I woke up
& my world was upside down.

My heart used to be so big & warm,
but now it's barely beating;
it's almost completely torn.

I used to run around
& be all over the place.
Now I just sit around
& stare off into space.

I used to only shed a tear,
but now I cry a flood.
My veins used to be filled with life,
but now I just call it blood.

I used to wake up early,
but now I sleep till noon.
I used to have confidence,
but now I have low self esteem.

I used to wish upon a star;
until I found out none of my wishes came true.
Now I am dreamin' big,
knowing that one day I'll make it through.

For now my world may be black & white
& blue skies fade to grey.
But one day the grass won't be greener on the other side.

A poem written by a younger me. - Ashley Thompson

Feel free to share my content but please give me full credit for my work!

Myelomeningocele

Imagine getting pregnant,
Going to the ultrasound,
The tech tells you something's wrong.
You're holding back the tears,
For your baby,
You have to stay strong.

You dont believe in abortion,
So you're glad she doesn't mention it.
But being told your unborn son
Has a medical condition,
that you know nothing about,
Isn't easy to hear.
Your mind suddenly fills with doubt.

Is he gonna fit in?
Was he born to stand out?
The doctors say he'll never walk,
He'll need surgery to repair his spine.
Won't get to take him home right away.
All these scary thoughts going through my mind.

The day comes when he's born,
get wheeled back for my c section;
I'm scared out of my skin,
But for him it's all worth it.
I got to see him for 5 min,
Didn't even get to hold my baby.

Spent 6 weeks in the NICU,
was up there every single day.
The hardest thing I've ever done,
was to have to leave my newborn baby.

Just know that you are my warrior,
I'll forever hold your hand.
For I am your mother
& you're my little man.

By Ashley Thompson

Debilitating

Some days it's debilitating,
tearing me down so much,
until I can no longer hang on.

Somedays I give in,
let my depression own me,
It consumes me and controls me.
Tries to tear me back down to the old me,
The sad girl who was always so lonely.

Alienated, isolated, hated,
I feel so different.
This world feels so foreign.
Always just wanted to fit in,
Feel like myself in my own skin,
But I DO NOT BELONG.

Just want to find happiness again,
But the journey's taking too long.

By Ashley Thompson

Extrinsic

I hate it when I no longer feel like myself,
just sorta zone out;
& try to remember who I am.

But it feels so extrinsic,
like I don't really belong inside my own skin.
Like the blood that's running through my veins,
isn't really meant for me.

It's like all of me is numb,
I try to enjoy things
but I'm all out of passion.
My emotions have been lacking,
put them on the back burner for so long,
I burnt away their sensation.

Given in to one too many temptations,
it puts a mark on my soul;
darkens my hindsight.
Battles in my mind,
Not sure if I'm losing
or if I'm winning.
Can we rewind;
go back to the beginning?

By Ashley Thompson

Empty

I feel like no one understands the thoughts that are constantly running through my head,
They're so back and forth,
That I think I've finally lost my mind.

Just want so desperately to escape the things my brain cannot seem to refrain from revealing,
I wish it was easier to conceal my true feelings.

Been lost in my thoughts for months,
Trying to figure out a way to vacate my emotions,
Rather not feel any of the pain,
But numbing it out isn't a choice.

What have I got left then?
Sit here and just chill with my depression like it's my bestfriend?
Give into my demons,
Slit my wrists and watch the blood drip?
Nah, that's not an option.
I can't just give in after all these years of resisting,
The offers always tempting,
But I know in the end all it leaves me with is that awful empty feeling.

By Ashley Thompson